It's not THAT kind of a post, no

New babies, fresh babies, little babies.  They seem to be everywhere.

I cannot have any more babies.  It would be very, very bad for me to get pregnant again.

Growing up I thought I would have a big, huge house (ours is about 1,000 sq ft), maybe a farm (I’m working on that lol) and a house full of kids.  Babies everywhere.

I was able to give birth to three.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m eternally grateful for my three girls.  I love them with all of my heart – even when they are driving me buggy crazy.  (Even the teenager, who sometimes acts like she’s been possessed by the most evil teenage demon ever created.)

I have lost four babies along the way.  The last two drove me into a pretty bad depression before I gave birth to number two.  I bottled it in and kept it to myself, which Rogan fusses at me to this day about (remember, ladies, the men in our lives grieve the loss of the babies, too).

Yesterday, a high school friend gave birth to a son.  He is gorgeous, in all of his newness.

Maybe that is what sent me into the doldrums yesterday, making me think about babies which will never be.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my hands full what with homeschooling 11th grade, starting preK with the second girl and keeping the third one corralled while I do that and do house stuff and cook and work and write.  Not mention the lack of personal time Rogan and I get.  Or personal space.  I know another child would make everything even more crazy than it is nowadays.

But then I think about how much I enjoy new babies.  Holding them, smelling them, comforting them.  River will be two in 13 days.  She is becoming independent and discovering who she is.  She is growing up.

Rhiannon will be 17 in August and will graduate next year.  She talks about college, but we’ll see if that is what she really wants to do or not.  I don’t think she really has a clear goal in mind.  Yet.  I might add Career Development to our curriculum.

Rowan is the middle child.  I’m sure my sister, Mary, who was middle child when we were growing up, will tell it’s pretty sucky.  I worry Rowan gets left out, but then the age difference between her and Rhiannon (13 years) is such that I don’t really think she does.  She is definitely a daddy’s girl, though.  And when Rhiannon moves out in a few years she will become the oldest in the house.

I still yearn for more though.  Yes, maybe I’m just a masochist.  I watch online friend’s videos of their babies laughing for the first time.  I watch videos of them taking to crawling.  And I yearn.  I forget about all the trials and tribulations I went through pregnant, giving birth and having a newborn while taking care of other children.  I become a full-blown maternal hormone.  My biological clock screams at me with its alarm.  And all I can see around are other people with wonderful babies.

Talking (blogging) about it helps.  It probably doesn’t help my husband, who reads (and occasionally posts on) the blog.  He has to read about my craziness and emotions and will try to cheer me up later.  (Rogan – S T A R B U C K S)  Last night, he took me to get ice cream and doughnuts and trashy cereal (we don’t keep junk food in the house, so when the hormones hit like this we have to go hunting…erm…shopping).  He spoils me something fierce.  And no, I’m not sharing him with you, so there :p

I do realize how lucky we are, though.  We have three healthy girls whom we love more than life.  We have a house on a big enough track of land for lots of animals (and it’s paid for).  We have two working vehicles (also paid for).  The only monies we owe are his student loans and the monthly bills.  This makes it possible for me to stay at home with the girls.

Another couple of children would be a wonderful addition.  But….where would we put them?!  Our king sized bed is already full with dogs and babies (I don’t care how old they are, they are babies to me), to where sometimes I sleep at the end of the bed just to have a little room lol

In closing, I know children would be lovely.  I know I will not be giving birth to them.  And I’m really ok with that fact.  Really.  It would be nice, but not necessary for me to be content with what I already have at home.